What if being resilient isn't about pushing through, but knowing when to pause, adapt and do things differently?
We talk a lot about resilience in leadership. We celebrate the people who keep going when things get difficult, who hold everything together when the pressure is on, and who somehow find the energy to keep showing up for everyone else.
But I sometimes wonder whether we have become so accustomed to celebrating how much people can carry that we have stopped asking what it is costing them.
There is a difference between being resilient and simply enduring. One helps us adapt, recover and move forward. The other can leave us running on empty, convincing ourselves that we just need to push a little harder.
And in leadership, that distinction matters.
The pressure to prove we can do it all
When I was building my corporate career while raising two girls on my own, I felt I had to be winning in every area of my life. I wanted to build a successful career and be a good mother. I wanted to show up, deliver and make sure my girls had what they needed. I wanted to be capable, dependable and successful.
But beneath those ambitions was another expectation, one I didn't always acknowledge at the time. I couldn't be seen as failing.
Of course, much of that pressure came from within. I held myself to a high standard and felt responsible for making everything work. There was also the awareness of how others might see me if I couldn't manage it all. I didn't want my circumstances to define what I was capable of achieving.
Looking back, I can see how easily determination can become pressure. You learn to keep going, find solutions and manage competing demands because that is what needs to be done. You become good at making things work. And when you are used to being capable, it can be difficult to recognise when the expectations you place on yourself have become unreasonable.
I suspect many women in leadership will recognise some version of this. We want to do our jobs well, support our teams, build our careers and show up for the people we love. We hold ourselves accountable, often to standards we would never impose on someone else. And somewhere along the way, being capable can become synonymous with being able to manage everything without letting the cracks show.
The problem with this, is that we can become so focused on proving we are coping that we forget to ask whether the way we are operating is sustainable.
And I am not suggesting we should abandon ambition or stop striving for things that matter to us. But I do think we need to question the belief that struggling means failing, that asking for help diminishes our capability, or that we must excel in every area of our lives at the same time.
Sometimes, resilience means continuing when things are difficult. Sometimes, it means recognising that we are holding ourselves to an expectation that needs to change.
For me, this is an important differentiation. Resilience isn't about proving how much we can carry. It is about having the self-awareness to recognise what we are carrying, understanding why we feel compelled to carry it all, and deciding what needs to change.
What does resilience really look like?
I don't believe resilience means we should never struggle, feel overwhelmed or question whether we can keep going. Nor do I believe every difficult situation calls for us to step away. Sometimes we need determination, courage and the willingness to stay with something when it gets uncomfortable.
But resilience also asks something of us that can be much harder: the ability to recognise what is happening, acknowledge our limits and make a conscious choice about what comes next.
Sometimes that means persevering. Sometimes it means asking for help, changing direction, having an uncomfortable conversation or recognising that the way we have always done things is no longer working.
For leaders, this is particularly important. When people rely on us, it can be difficult to admit that we are struggling. We may worry about appearing incapable, letting others down or losing the confidence of our teams. So we carry on, often believing that our ability to manage everything is evidence of our strength.
Yet, what message does that send to the people we lead? If we consistently reward overwork, celebrate those who never say no and treat exhaustion as the price of commitment, we risk creating cultures where people feel they must endure rather than speak up, seek support or make changes.
Perhaps we need to rethink what resilience looks like, both for ourselves and for the organisations we lead.
What the research tells us
If resilience is about adapting to challenging circumstances, rather than simply enduring them, then recovery needs to be part of the conversation. The American Psychological Association describes psychological resilience as the process of adapting well to difficult or challenging experiences. It is not about avoiding adversity, but developing the capacity to respond and adjust when circumstances change.
Yet, when we are accustomed to pushing through, we can overlook an important part of that process: giving ourselves the opportunity to recover.
Research into psychological detachment from work highlights how difficult it can be to mentally switch off from work demands, particularly when workloads are high and the boundaries between work and personal life become blurred. A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Business and Psychology, examining recovery experiences across a large body of research, found that activities such as relaxation, psychological detachment and engaging in activities that provide a sense of mastery are associated with positive work and personal outcomes.
This matters because resilience is not simply about how well we perform under pressure. It is also about recognising when we need to step back, recover and adapt. Waiting until we are exhausted to do so misses the point.
Taking a break will not solve every leadership challenge, and recovery alone cannot compensate for unsustainable workloads. But if we expect ourselves and our teams to keep contributing over the long term, we need to consider not only how much we can manage, but what enables us to sustain our capacity to lead.
Perhaps resilience is not about learning to carry more, but learning how to respond to pressure without continually depleting ourselves in the process.
A thought worth carrying with us
Maya Angelou wrote in Letter to My Daughter:
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
I find this a useful way to think about resilience. We cannot always control the circumstances we face, the demands placed on us or the uncertainty that comes with leading people through change. But we can pay attention to how we respond, what we need and whether our current approach is helping us move forward.
Resilience is not about emerging from every challenge untouched. It is about recognising that our experiences affect us, learning from them and making choices that help us continue without losing ourselves along the way.
Nature offers us another perspective
One of the things I appreciate about spending time in nature is that it offers a different way of thinking about growth, change and recovery.
A tree does not grow continuously at the same pace throughout the year. Growth, dormancy, shedding and renewal are all part of its life cycle. Periods that appear inactive from the outside can still be important to what happens next.
We understand this when we look at the natural world, yet we often expect something different of ourselves. We expect consistent output, constant availability and the ability to keep producing, regardless of what is happening around us or within us.
What if we allowed ourselves the same understanding we readily extend to nature?
A pause does not necessarily mean we are falling behind. Changing direction does not mean we have failed. Asking for support does not diminish our capability. Sometimes, these are precisely the things that allow us to continue growing.
What can leaders do differently?
Reframing resilience does not require a dramatic change. It begins with paying attention to the choices we make, the expectations we reinforce and the conversations we are willing to have.
Notice when perseverance becomes endurance: Pay attention to the moments when you keep pushing simply because stopping feels uncomfortable. Ask yourself whether your current approach is helping you move forward or whether you are continuing out of habit, expectation or fear of letting someone down.
Question the standards you set for yourself: Would you expect a colleague, friend or member of your team to manage everything you expect of yourself? Consider where your expectations come from and whether they reflect what genuinely matters to you, or what you believe you need to prove to others.
Make recovery part of the way you work: Do not wait until you are exhausted to give yourself permission to pause. Consider what helps you mentally step away from work, regain perspective and return with greater clarity. This might mean protecting time between meetings, taking a walk outdoors or creating clearer boundaries around your availability.
Create a culture where people can be honest: Are you rewarding the person who always says yes? Do you equate long hours with commitment? Are people in your team comfortable admitting that they need support? The culture you create will shape what people believe they are allowed to do. Demonstrating that it is acceptable to ask for help can be just as important as encouraging people to take responsibility.
Practise adapting, not just enduring: When something is no longer working, pause before automatically pushing harder. Seek another perspective, share responsibility or consider a different approach. Resilience is not about persisting with the same strategy regardless of the cost. It is about responding to changing circumstances with awareness and intention.
A question to carry with you
As leaders, we spend a great deal of time thinking about what we need to achieve, what our teams need from us and what must happen next. Perhaps it is worth asking ourselves a different question.
Where in my life or leadership am I measuring resilience by how much I can endure, rather than by how well I am adapting and caring for what matters?
You may not need to do less of everything. You may simply need to do something differently. And perhaps we need to be a little more honest with ourselves about the expectations we carry, particularly those we have placed on ourselves in the belief that we must always be capable, always be dependable and always be seen to be coping.
Because sustainable leadership is not about proving how much we can carry. It is about knowing what matters, recognising what is needed and creating the conditions that allow us and the people around us to keep moving forward.
Sometimes, the most resilient thing we can do is stop, take a breath and choose a different way.
I’d love to hear you thoughts.
With gratitude, Kathryn